This was my version of a rant after a run-in with a pedantic driver in a parking lot that I originally posted on Finding Boddie. Tis better to refocus the energy more creatively, don’t you think? Just a comment on the Volkswagen driver bit: here, in the Nutmeg State, 95% of the Volkswagen drivers I’ve come across were taught to drive by lobotomized chimps on methamphetamines. Really, I’m surprised I still have fenders.

Has your brain been tied into a knot by the overwhelming stupidity of another? Is your logic meter flailing off the charts, causing your verbal communication to bumble in your mouth? Is a particular event or set of words bouncing around in your head like a Ping Pong ball on steroids? If so, your offending counterpart may be suffering from Headuprectumitis. Read on for more information on this debilitating disease.

Definition–

Headuprectumitis, in the simplest terms, is a mental disorder that causes the sufferer to think in illogical, narcissistic thoughts that have no rhyme or reason and do not compute in the universe in which we live. While this is a non-discriminating ailment, it tends to cluster in those deeming themselves part of the “I’m Better Than You” society and amongst those hiding behind the anonymity of the internet.

Symptoms–

• Intense Narcissism–the ailing will see the world laid out for them and feel that the seas should be moved promptly so they can get by
• Rapid Deterioration of Logic and/or Common Sense–2 + 2 = 5 because I said so, I’m blocking the road because I don’t want you to turn, dammit why can’t you just post my package without a zip code, etc. More often than not those within range will feel the effects of this symptom as the sick are blissfully ignorant of it
• An Undying Want to Seek Status–a need to purchase a “luxury” car for no other reason than for the hood ornament, a need to purchase a Hummer of any size simply to say that you own one (although this particular symptom plays into the disease, Winkilus Fadefastious, another mental ailment that projects the lack of size of the male genitalia to the overgrown size of his vehicle), voracious spending on grotesque excess, brand whoring
• Superiority Complex (could also be coupled with a Napoleon Complex)
• Unrendered Arrogance
• Geeky Smirk (that is never befitting the face it falls upon)
• Upward-Pointed Nose (easily spotted due to the passers-by laughing at a piece of dangling mucus)
• Unwarranted Verbal Lashes (more commonly spotted on an anonymous interneter)
• Unprovoked Finger-Flipping
• A Supposed-To-Be-Threatening-But-Only-Comes-Off-Laughable Face
• Selective Response (related to the anonymous interneter, picking and choosing what to respond to while simultaneously twisting others words in order to prove a fallacious point)
• Volkswagen Driver
• Prone to Outbursts of Rage (especially in cases of accidents the ailing caused)
• Elicits Eye-Rolling, Head-Shaking and Brain-Oozing in Others

Treatments–

• Bankruptcy, Guilty Verdict or any other form of humbling
• Law Enforcement Officials (more often than not the use of handcuffs is necessary)
• High Doses of External Common Sense (unfortunately the turn-around as a result of this is very low)
• Court Order
• A Delete Button (or power button on a CPU)
• A Fed-Up, Non-Ailing Person (although violence is never the answer, sometimes it can be a temporary relief)
• Karma
• Forced Sterility (if the ailing can’t be cured, it’s best to stop the disease from spreading to its offspring, the cycle should not be perpetuated)
• Confrontation with Those of a Higher IQ (more often than not those suffering from Headuprectumitis will be unable to out-speak someone of a higher intelligence and will be forced into humblization in which they will more often than not wallow in self-pity, this usually does not work with anonymous interneters as it’s important, in this instance, to have face to face contact so the ailing is less able to run and hide behind supposed nonexistence)
• Suspended Drivers’ Licenses–many suffering from Headuprectumitis have the most serious lapses of rational thought whilst driving, thus should avoid motorized vehicles at all costs
• Confrontation With a Like-Minded Headuprectumitis Sufferer (in which case consult your local OTB and grab some lawn furniture)

Unfortunately, 9 out of 10 Headuprectumitis sufferers are never cured. A lucky few will sometimes develop, over years, a semblance of rational thinking and an iota of common sense but I wouldn’t hold my breath. Whatever you do, should you come upon a sufferer of this mind-numbing disease, do not try and rationalize with the sufferer. The migraine that will ensue will not be worth it. They are to be left alone to exist in their delusional, clouded state until their actions come back around to bite them in the ass. However, the “what goes around comes around” concept rarely opens any suffering eyes but elicits bouts of “why me” by the ailing and head-to-wall collisions by the healthy. Perhaps one day someone will find a cure however I doubt anyone is going to be holding a telethon for these sick people any time soon.