I know pretty much as soon as I crack a book whether or not I’m going to like it. Chances are I don’t have to get very far in at all to make such a judgment. I think a lot of it has to do with my lacking attention span, my wont to like something right from the beginning and my desire to not want to read crap. I just don’t have that kind of time. Granted the crap, in book form anyway, would have to be pretty big in order for me to not read to the end. I did spend money on it, after all, so it’s only fair I get my money’s worth. Don’t you think?

I’m an “editor” (really only a title, I don’t actually edit anything) at Web Fiction Guide (link in the sidebar with the rest of them), a compendium of online fiction that serves to provide the internet-reading public with a one stop search for online serials and other word-like pieces. Really, it’s a nice site. Sleek design, aesthetically pleasing, easy searches and provides what it promises; links to other pieces of web fiction.

Just as I’m a supporter of fanfiction, I’m a supporter of web fiction as well. If you don’t know what web fiction is, or online serials, it’s fanfiction without the fan–original stories posted chapter by chapter on the internet. Most are for free. I’ll be damned if I pay for those that aren’t. Is the quality the same as fanfiction? No, I’d say it’s a lot better. I’ve yet to come across any monstrosities that fanfiction can boast. There’s been some pretty lazy stuff out there but fanfiction’s got a few legs up in that category. The serials section of my blog boasts the stories I’m currently reading that are web serials (or have read if they’re finished). On top of that I have a queue of stories I still need to catch up on (a couple desperately so).

The thing is, I don’t continue to read everything I review simply because a lot of it doesn’t catch me. When I was reviewing at Pages Unbound (which is folding), I had a roughly 47% read rate, meaning I liked just under half of what I’d seen enough to keep reading. Thus far only one of those stories I’ve stopped reading because it just got ridiculous. And those initial impressions were made after the first five chapters.

Of course, when I leave a rather unabashed review, people will question my integrity and my methods, claiming it’s impossible to determine how good a piece is from the first five chapters. Personally, I think five chapters is being grossly generous. Depending on how long they are, that’s investing a fair amount of time into reading the work. I’ve done enough editing and critiquing to know just what I like, just what I don’t and what I think will work and what won’t. It comes with the territory I’ve been wandering in.

On top of not reading beyond the fifth chapter if I don’t like it, I won’t read rewrites either. I may have an editor title but I’m not offering an editing service. If I didn’t like it the first time around, chances are I won’t like it the second. I’m not obligated to keep checking back on a work. Out of site and out of mind and all that jazz. This again leads to questioning my methods which only leads me to say you don’t get a second chance at a first impression. When you put yourself out there for the rest of the world to see, you’d better look your best, not like you’ve just rolled out of bed and hope to pretty yourself up as you go along.

I voluntarily subject myself to this. Why? I’m a masochist? Over the years I’ve had twits flame me, bash my critiques and just recently I had one that claimed he couldn’t take my reviews seriously (why he never stated, I’m guessing because it wasn’t done the way he wanted it done or how he would have done it) and then proceeded to offer his help on my writing (which is nowhere except here that he might even possibly know about) because of the “success” he’s had in writing (nothing that can be verified, mind, just hearsay that I think I’m just supposed to believe) because “sixteen years is a long time,” in so many words, to have gone nowhere. You know, because he’s in a better position to judge than I am. Yeah, needless to say it was an email of very narrow-sighted assumptions. He probably thinks I’m some 40-something year old hack that couldn’t get anything published so the only way I can exert my writerly power is to harp on other writers. Riiiiiiiiiiiiight. For those of you that don’t know, I’m 25 and not actively seeking representation or publication for anything at the moment. Right now I’m just actively writing. I review and critique and edit in the downtime to keep my gears oiled and my perspective fresh. Obviously it’s as fresh as a brown banana as some would ass/u/me. Suffice it to say, it’s best not to write anything with your head up your ass. It’ll just cloud your vision.

So this is what I subject myself to when I review on Web Fiction Guide, mainly because of the way I review (this really goes for anywhere else that I leave on honest review, god forbid, I know). If I had all the time in the world, I’d probably read more, except on some of them which I’d much rather shove bamboo chutes under my nails. More often than not those stories belong to the naysayers that question my methods because I gave them such harsh reviews. I’m not going to pat you on the back for crappy writing. I do this in the hopes that people realize that their writing needs some work. Is my word god? Of course not but it’s certainly valid. Then again I also work on the notion that people actually want to improve instead of half-assing it and hanging on the praise they get for what’s up now. Eh, it’s up to them. Like I said, my word isn’t sacrosanct but it doesn’t mean I’m not adept at pointing out what works and what doesn’t. I’ve only been doing it for the better part of a decade now.

Anyway, it really is all about first impressions with online work because it’s going to take an instant click for me to dedicate myself to staring at a computer screen to keep reading. And yet again, POD-dy Mouth has my back and is much harsher about it all. Many times she couldn’t get past the first sentence let alone the first five chapters and yes, she did stop after that. Really, why should she “give it a shot” if she’s repulsed by the very first sentence or paragraph? Is there a code of obligation I’m missing? Check out some of her abbreviated reads and judge for yourself. Yes, those are genuine openings to POD books. At least most of the online stuff is free. Try it before you buy it and all.

Some of my anti-favorite openers–

Michael Hierhoff III was born on October 17, 1972, the son of Samuel Hierhoff and Maria Hierhoff, of the Stamford Hierhoffs. Michael’s grandfather, Elijah Hierhoff, came to America from Austria, where Miriam and Claus Hierhoff raised their many children. Ruth Hierhoff was . . . [closed]

They called her Labia. [closed]

“Is that blood?” I thought. I ran to the phone to call my friend, Jack Walney, at the local FBI office. Turns out he was out, working another case. What are the odds of that? So I called my contact at the Houston Police Department, and he was out on a case, too. Had I stumbled onto something? Was this a conspiracy unfolding?! [closed]

Really, would you keep reading? Welcome to an agent’s life, is what I say.