Before we get to the good stuff, a tiny rant.  Hopefully.

So I’ve just started reading Spine-Breaking Spawn (you might know it as Breaking Dawn) and I have a bad feeling this one’s going to draaaaaaaaaaaaaaaag.  I zoomed through the first three back to back.  Now that I’ve had months to sit and simmer about how much I’d love to light Bella on fire, I’m sneering by page two.

Speshul snowflake syndrome is immediate with Bella in her shiny new car that Edward gave her as a pre-wedding present.  And, of course, everyone’s staring at it.  Everyone.  Duh.  So I’m wondering what it is and my cynical self is thinking a Corolla on steroids or something for all the town’s worth.  Yeah, I wasn’t that far off.  It’s a Mercedes.  How podunk is Forks that everyone stops and gawks at a Mercedes as if they’ve never seen one before?  It’s not a Bentley or an Aston Martin or a Bugati.  No.  A Mercedes.  And it’s supposed to be some sooper dooper Mercedes too that so totally isn’t available yet anywhere in the world but of course Edward got it for his prisoner/fiancee.  Because she can’t wipe her own ass without tearing out a piece of her colon, the thing’s retrofitted with iron plates and it actually IED-proof.  And weights 4,000 pounds.  Ok, this isn’t an SUV.  It’s a sedan.  Hatchback (I think).  A sedan.  That weighs 4,000 pounds.  That thing must suck a half tank of gas every ten feet.  I don’t think the old ’57 Chevys weighed that much and those things were solid steel.  So she’s driving a Hitler-approved tank.  Awesome.

And of course it just wouldn’t be part of the Twitard world without numerous-yet-similar adjectives describing just how gorgeous and angelic Edward is and how sweet his vampire blood breath smells.  Yak.  Dude, I’m on, like, page 20.  This is so not going to be good.  I’ve already picked a corresponding video clip for the spine-breaking spawn part.  I heart YouBoob.

Now onto the good part.  This is where I was on Saturday night.  Share my love with me as we gather round the warm glowing warming glow of the computer screen and listen to Dr. Denis Leary croon–