Tag-Archive for » vampires «
First vampires get neutered and go back to high school. God knows why. You’d think they’d have better things to do with their immortality than sit through algebra and pine after jail bait. While the simpering pussy vampire isn’t new in the slightest (I remember being 11 and wanting to tell Louis to get a tan just to shut him the hell up), the market’s become saturated with whiny little bastards that somehow, by the graces of a rather sadistic set of gods, find something interesting having him pine after a chick 1/16 his age. That’s like a grown man falling in love with a sperm. Ew.
But now it’s seeped into zombies. How, I have no fucking idea. They’re not even sexually appealing. Vampires were stretching the necrophiliac in all of us. I mean, technically they were the UNDEAD, having already died and risen. Really creepy when you think about it. But zombies? Not only are they dead but they’re actually decomposing. How the shit can that be made into a romance?
I read Generation Dead expecting a hell of a lot more than what I got. Aside from the fact that it’s a total social commentary on how we treat people considered “different,” (I really don’t like being preached to), it was boring as hell. The “zombies” just kind of lumbered along as social activists without personalities and the MC started developing a crush on one. It’s a corpse. A reanimated corpse. That’s rotting. And may or may not have a craving for your brains. Nom nom nom?
And then we’re getting books like Never Slow Dance with a Zombie and I Kissed a Zombie and I Liked It and I have to wonder where the hell the market went there. Yeah, it’s different but I thought SMeyer promoting unhealthy pedophile relationships was bad. Now girls (and guys?) are going to start hanging out at the morgue looking for dates.
I get the transition of vampires. I can see the evolution there. They’re supposed to be sexy so they can draw you in and eat you. But zombies? Why must we destroy zombies too? Why must they, too, get their testicles chopped off and handed to them? Why can’t we just keep them little more than brain-hungry puppets functioning on the basest of ferral instincts? Because that’s what they are.
So call me a zombist. I’d never date one. I don’t want to dance with one. I don’t want to kiss one. For the love of Christ. Can someone please give horror its nut sack back?
I never thought I’d hear myself say that.
I was at Barnes and Noble tonight spending the $50 gift card that was burning a hole in my pocket and, for the first time ever, I was actually recoiling from all the vampire stuff that was on the shelves.
Don’t get me wrong. I love me my vampires. My older school vampires. Interview with the Vampire. The Lost Boys. Near Dark. Anything manufactured prior to 2005. But this whole string of vampires in high school is just leaving a bad taste in my mouth. Oh yeah, I totally get the appeal for teenage girls. Absolutely no denying that. But at the end of the day, do vampires have nothing better to do with their immortality than go to high school and hit on jailbait? Really?
Not to mention the lot of them are just simpering pussies. While I highly doubt they’d be able to blend in with society if they went feral at the sound of the lunch bell, they’re just so mopey and blah and BORING that they’re kind of spitting on everything a vampire traditionally is.
One book I read fairly recently (more like 3 in one, actually) was Vampire Beach. I have never been so bored with vampires in my life. Of course the vamps are the hot, talented, unattainable high school crowd that everyone wants to be a part of but instead of being real vampires, they’re humanitarians and in order to feed, they throw parties. When they bite someone, it’s equivalent to dropping Ecstasy, apparently, and no pain ever comes to the victim. Where’s the fun in that? Not to mention their lives are just downright dull. They lay on the beach (yeah, they can go in the sun, according to them, they’ve adapted), surf and throw parties. Snore. I was hoping someone would go feral at lunch at that point. When one of them did (just not at lunch), it was over so quickly and painlessly it gave me the worst case of blue book balls since Breaking Dawn. Downer.
If I don’t read another vampire book for a while I’ll be quite content. I’ll probably wait until the shelves at the book store aren’t inundated with sappy high school vampires before I pick up another one. Although I do have one old school LJ Smith book in my TBR that I can see. And then 3 “vampire survival guide” type of books which I don’t fit into that category. Other than that, I’m branching out. I need a detox.
A big thanks to Sarah for this wonderful Neil Gaiman article with him expertly talking about vampires. That man is so smart. And so right. When did becoming the undead become to desirable?
Gaiman made a good point – that writing a story about vampires was the perfect way to talk about sex in the Victorian era without actually having to talk about sex. Vampires were evil creatures that seduced helpless young women. They weren’t something to lust after. They were something to be feared. They could steal your innocence *shock*
Prior to Dracula, forget the fangirls after Edward. Those blood-sucking things were demonic and the pure essence of evil. You knew what you were getting into with those guys. All you had to do was look at them and you’d run away screaming. Bram Stoker made the vampire more appealing, and all that more dangerous. Dracula wasn’t supposed to be the undead James Bond that all the ladies wanted. He really was the wolf in sheep’s clothing, making him all the more evil. Now you’re not able to tell the difference between the bad and the good. The evil blends in and you’re far too late when you realize you’ve made a grave mistake.
Alas, Gaiman used my beloved Lost Boys as the sort of catalyst that turned vampires from demons into poster boys you pinned up on your wall and sighed over. Ok, so maybe that’s a little true. The Lost Boys sexed up vampires even more. They made them desirable. You wanted to be one of them. And what did you have to lose? Just sunlight? Sure, I can give that up! I get to be immortally pretty! Yay! Who needs a soul?
And then they kept morphing into these brooding emo boys that wear guyliner and are forever tortured. They turned into shelter dogs.
You know, maybe Gaiman’s right. Maybe this is the end of the cycle and vampires will go back underground where they belong to fester and mutate back into their former selves. Maybe they’re sick of being emasculated and want nothing more to do with the fangirls and moping.
We can only hope. You know, I love my Lost Boys. I love my Near Dark. I even like my Interview with the Vampire. But you can have your emo boys with snap-on fangs. Louis was as far as I wanted to take it, and that’s saying something. They’re morphed too far and it’s time for vampires to go back into their cocoons for a little while. They need their beauty sleep.
Environmentalist vampires. That sounded, well, interesting to say the least. The real selling point, though? The hardcover was $5 on the Barnes and Noble bargain rack. Can’t beat that! And I have to say, thank whatever god may exist that that’s all I paid for it. I would have been peeved if it cost any more.
I must have missed the “literary” note in the jacket flap (I skim, it’s highly likely) but, even then, I don’t think the writing in this was good enough to be deemed real literary. Not that I think literary is bad, but I would have expected something other than the hype the jacket flap was offering if I had seen that note. This is the second book where I was swayed by the flap and it thoroughly let me down (regardless of my missing the “literary” point).
The flap reads thusly–
“If you ever want to hide from the world, live in a small city, where everyone seems anonymous.”
That’s the advice of twelve-year-old Ariella Montero, who lives with her father in Saratoga Springs, New York, in a house haunted more by secrets than by memories. The Society of S traces her journey south, to Asheville and Savannah, and on to Florida, as she learns that everything she knows about her family is a lie.
When she find her mother, she learns the truth: Ariella is a fledgling member of the Society of S.
S stands for Sanguinists: a sect of environmentalists concerned with ethics and human rights–although they happen to be vampires. S also stands for synesthete: a person able to see words and letters in colors. The letter S is lucky for Sara, Ariella’s mother, who gravitates to cities such as Savannah and Sarasota. But will it be lucky for Ariella?
Susan Hubbard’s novel is an intricate literary mystery that raises provocative questions about the way we live now. Ariella’s voice will lure you into a world where you’ll meet the others among us: vampires who cope with their special nature and need for blood in a variety of ways, ranging from the savage to the mundane to the scientific.
Oh my god, so much fun. Too much to publish on the internet! I love my Lost Boys and the times we have and the new friends that I make (and the alcohol I drink and so on and so forth). I’m really not a big horror convention person. I don’t really go there to shop (I bought a key chain, a photo of the Boys from the movie and a Teddy Scares kit) like the diehards do and I’m not big on autographs (I only have autographs from guys from The Lost Boys since those are really the only ones I think are worth getting). I just go to have fun and see my friends that I see pretty much once a year (not necessarily at conventions). The weekend was a blast and I’m still trying to recover from it. Yesterday’s 4 hour drive and change drive home was interesting. It’s a serious break from my normal routine because I rarely party like that but when I do, I live it up! Why not?
Of course my effing hip decided to give out on me when the night was young on Saturday which pissed me the hell off. We were walking up the stairs (the elevators were pointless a lot of the time, they were so overused and delayed) and I went from no pain to OMG don’t make me take another step. Didn’t tell anyone but by the time we got up to one of the rooms, I was fighting the tears and trying not to show a limp. It was probably a half hour after that that I excused myself to go back to my room and deal with the problem. Of course I ran into two of my good friends that had left for a moment (also a couple of the celebrities at the convention) that had never seen me like that (by the time I got to the elevator, which was 10 feet outside the door, it was pretty obvious that I was really trying not to cry) and they both freaked.
I reassured them I’d be OK and that I’d be back up in a half hour. I gimped back to my room, had a good cry not only at the pain but at the sheer frustration that I’m 25 and have to explain to people that yes, I do throw my hips out (not to mention I’m 25 with the joint problems of a 60 year old, thanks gymnastics!), popped a couple Aleve (I won’t do anything stronger simply because it doesn’t get rid of the pain, just makes me see vapor trails) and waited for the blotchy crying to subside. Once it did, I redid my face and went down to the bar first. Of course, it was 2:30 in the morning and it was closed. Dammit. So I went back to the party. One friend was there and was happy to see me and made sure I was ok. Just so happens he was with some girls that had a stash of alcohol. Yay! Got me some and left only to run into friend number two that had actually come looking for me and I brought him back to that room for more alcohol. Party on!
I’ve decided that I’m going to transfer the blog posts that I liked from the Boddie site over to here before I delete it completely. Some of them I just tickled myself with and I can’t bear to part with them. This is one of them. This little piece, about showing love for other undead creatures besides vampires, is a segue into my Frankenstein parody that I wrote. Why should vampires get all the love? Edited to tone down the language a bit.
Don’t get me wrong. Being a fan is, well, fantastic (to be utterly uncreative and just downright lazy, granted in the amount of time it’s taking me to type this I could have thought up a better word than fantastic, oh well) but there are some googly-eyed crazies out there wearing “Edward Cullen is my Boyfriend” t-shirts. And people say I need to get out.
For those of you that don’t know, Edward Cullen (I think that’s his name, I guess it is, I don’t know, I haven’t read the books) is one of the main characters in Stephanie Meyer’s book Twilight and so on and so forth (there are more, I just don’t know the titles off-hand). It’s a vampire series that I have not read (because I didn’t state this fact already?). Why haven’t I read it? Because I read the back of the book. Don’t get me wrong…the last thing I want to do is bash another author (unless it’s absolutely rendered, those who spit on their fans, for instance), especially since I haven’t read her work. It’s not her writing that kept me away (obviously). The back read something along the lines of “I am this girl from somewhere, Edward is a vampire and he’s madly in love with me.” In a nutshell. And there it goes right back on the table from whence it came.
What happened to vampires that people actually feared instead of wanting to screw? Girls used to throw wreaths of garlic at them, now it’s their bra and panty set. What the hell? A vampire is a creature of the night, a being that is undead that rises from the grave to drain the blood from humans in order to survive. Oh my god, blood drinking zombies! *squee* Want to see my boobs?! It’s hard to pinpoint where our poor blood-sucking bastards were first literarily castrated but it’s just spiraled out of hand. I owe the makers of 30 Days of Night some gratitude for putting vampires back in their feral nature, even if it is in Alaska.
No, not another blog chain post. The post title is just relevant. I’ve officially released the site that’s hosting my online serial, Dawn, which can be found by going here–http://dawncreation.wordpress.com.
If you’re still unfamiliar with what a web serial actually is and haven’t visited any of the excellent stories listed on the Serial page in the sidebar, then I think you’re missing out. A web serial is usually an ongoing novel posted on the internet, usually on a blog, for people to read for free. It’s providing your written work to the public directly without any agents or publishers, printers or any middlemen really. They’re more closely centered in niche markets and they’re still relatively small in numbers compared to something like a web comic but with all of the media products surrounding downloadable books and such, it really isn’t much of a surprise that novels are going by the way of blogs. Think of it more in terms of traditional serials found in newspapers and magazines when they were still interested in the literary. Same concept except applied to the internet.
